Strange Portents

     Once a week I take myself out to lunch.  Don't get me wrong, I wind up eating alone quite often, grabbing a sandwhich and taking it back to the office, sometimes even sitting down to read the news on my blackberry while I watch the people coming and going.  But once a week, I do it up right.  I take a  seat at the sushi bar and order whatever specialty roll the chef feels like making.  If they don't have any, I'll get a sushi/sashimi combo with an order of fatty tuna.  They normally grace me with a small concoction prior to the meal.  If they don't, I order a seaweed salad with baby tako (octopus).  If you're wondering, yes, they have tentacles.  The entire thing is brown and it tastes like barbeque. 

     I enjoy the ritual of sushi, pouring the soy sauce, mixing the wasabi.  I enjoy the time it takes to eat with chopsticks.  I enjoy sitting at the sushi bar, watching the chef carefully prepare the fish, and mold it into something delicate with flowers and garnish.  Art that will not last.  I enjoy the Chinese patter (None of the staff are Japanese), mixed with the Barry White CD that is  playing everytime I go in.  I am not quite sure how they wound up picking Barry White.  I can only imagine it was some colossal mistake, the absurdity of which is lost completely on the staff.  "Oooooooh, yeah baby.... Right there, we gotta keep this thing going...." sings Barry in a deep voice as I crunch up another baby tako.   

    They always bring a fortune cookie with my check.  I have a rule about fortune cookies.  I always  read them, but if they aren't good, I don't eat the  cookie.  I don't really LIKE fortune cookies, but if the fortune is good then I figure I have to eat it or it won't come true.  This is one of those things I know to be true, but have never had the chance to tell anyone.  There you  go, now you're  in my confidence.  This week, I received an unusual fortune. 

     "NO ONE IS STANDING IN YOUR WAY ANYMORE, IT IS TIME TO MOVE FORWARD". 

     I read it, popped the cookie in my mouth, and re-read it, chewing slowly.  Obviously, the factory machine that spit out this fortune didn't know I would receive it.  There's no real significance.  I'm just one of a thousand people who probably got this same exact piece of paper and they probably crumpled it up, threw it away, and enjoyed their cookie.

     I re-read it.  "NO ONE IS STANDING IN YOUR WAY ANYMORE".  No one?  Was there someone there before?  Well, to be honest, yes.  There always is, right?  During my entire career I've had people standing in my way, trying to derail me.  I've shaken them off so far.  I've managed to succeed in ways that surprised myself.  I've risen to the position I've coveted since I was a child, and have given it my all.  It has rewarded me spectacularly.  That being said, I always had to look over my shoulder, always had to wonder who would be the next person to chuck a grenade my way.  "NO ONE IS  STANDING IN YOUR WAY ANYMORE."  It's also true that  they haven't been heard from in awhile.  I've had a great string of good fortune lately that's effectively silenced any nay sayers.  Sometimes I feel like the beach and wave after wave break harmlessly against me.

     Besides work, I've got my family life to consider.  I am happier than I have ever been, and yet filled with an inescapable sense of sadness.  I am constantly judging my family against the family I grew up in.  My children are exactly the same age apart that I was from my sister.  I have the same job my father had.  Everything seems as fine now as it did back then.  Inside, I hear the clock ticking.  It is winding down to the zero hour when my mother threw my father out and everything I had became poisonous and corrupted.  I hear that snarling beast behind the door and I'm terrified it might break in.  But, in my heart, I refuse to surrender.  I refuse to accept that fate.  I refuse to bow to that beast and if it comes through the door I am going to choke it's life out.  In reality, the only person standing between my total happiness in terms of my family, is me.  And if I am all that is standing in my way, I can certainly decide to go stand somewhere else.      

     So if that is true, that no one is left standing in my way anymore, what about the next part?  "IT IS TIME TO MOVE FORWARD".  Was I not moving forward in the first place?  Was I busy still checking over my shoulder instead of focusing on the goal?  It's possible.  What if, instead of doing that, because the opposition is silenced, I drive forward as hard as I can.  What if, like a starter pistol, I suddenly take off, no longer worried about who or what might try and stop me.  What if I only attack, not defend. 

     The truth is, if I were  God, I wouldn't communicate to people in big ways.  No burning bushes here, folks.  What's the fun of that?  I would instead find cryptic ways to talk to people, just to see if they were  paying attention.  I'd send a shooting star their way at the right moment.  Break out a thunder clap when they asked if I was  out there.  Maybe, just maybe, I'd put the  right fortune cookie in the right person's  hands at the right time.

     Maybe none of this is true.  "NO ONE IS STANDING IN YOUR WAY ANYMORE, IT IS TIME TO MOVE FORWARD".  What if it is true?

     What if it is. 

Comments

[Donna]

I liked this post a lot- it's amazing how one little slip of paper can provoke so much thought. You're doing great. Did I mention that you need to be in a creative writing program-- your blog screams memoir.

[Citizen Prime]

Always enjoy your blogs, my friends. Great insights and, as always, sent me away with something to ponder about my own life.

[darm]

lost in deep thought..........

[Jamie]

Another thing I'd like to add is you can only be as happy as you allow yourself to be, what you believe you deserve. Try not to sabotage your own happiness.

[Jamie]

It doesn't matter that you have the same job that your father had, that your children are the same age apart as you and your sister are. You are your own person, a different person, and you'll choose to incorporate your Father's good qualities while learning from the not so good and remember life is what YOU make of it. Seriously you worry too much! Just let it be.